A little over a year ago now I sat down, thought long and hard, and made the conscious decision to cut someone important to me out of my life. In reality I had already started cutting this person out of my life long before that day, but since that day I haven't spoken to or seen this person at all. You're probably thinking "wow, you must really hate this person!", however, the truth is, the opposite is true. If I were to find out today that something terrible had happened to this person I would be truly heartbroken. Not just for them, but for the friend inside me that I wish I could still be to them.
Sadly, when I first made the decision to cut this person out of my life, I did so without them even knowing about it as I wanted to avoid the confrontation. It was very immature and silly of me, not to mention a fine illustration of the behaviour I detest in a person, but it was all I could bring myself to do at the time. Now, over a year later, I feel like it's time to let that person know why I felt the need to do what I did. Even if that person never reads this blog post (and why would they?) at least I will have said this out loud and gotten it off my chest.
Here it goes.. for as long as I have known you we have always had so much in common. Same taste in music, same taste in fashion, same taste in hair colour, same taste in hobbies.. you name it, nine times out of ten we enjoyed or at least appreciated the same things. Now for most people in a friendship, myself included, having the same tastes and similar interests is the cornerstone of a long lasting and healthy relationship.. in our friendship though, this was rarely the case, much to my constant disappointment. Instead of rejoicing in the fact the we had so much in common and a plethora of things to talk about, I constantly felt like you would much rather accuse me of copying you or that you would prefer to find a way to prove just how different we were instead. On top of this, it seemed like you were always being super judgmental about other people's choices, the way people dressed, the physical appearance of someone's natural body type, etc. - the list goes on.
This sort of behaviour would have been acceptable (though still not appreciated) if you were say.. 10 years old, but as a twenty something year old woman this behaviour was completely intolerable. You may not have been saying anything bad about me personally (although you did from time to time), but I have no idea what you were saying about me behind my back, and I just couldn't put it past you given how often you talked bad about your other friends behind their backs. You also didn't stick up for me whenever someone else was trying to have a go at me, which essentially hurt me just the same. What made this whole situation even worse though was that I found your behaviour was starting to rub off on me, and that even if I wasn't joining in on the smack talk, I wasn't putting a stop to it either. I felt myself becoming someone I never wanted to be, and as someone who wants to have children of her own in the future, I knew I needed to take action if I wanted to break the toxic hold that our friendship was having over me.
It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make, harder than any break up or friendship that I had lost in the past, but I couldn't think of any other way. I had tried talking to you about these issues in the past but for some reason you could never see my point of view, or at least you didn't seem to try. I think about you all the time and often wonder how you are doing, and occasionally I will even ask one of our mutual friends if they have seen or heard from you lately, but that doesn't stop me from wondering. Sometimes I think about calling you up or sending you a text and making some fake excuse to try and sweep the past few years under the carpet, but I know I could never return to our friendship without you acknowledging and accepting my reason for why our friendship fell apart. There were so many occasions over the past few years where I wish we could have been together to celebrate, support and comfort each other, and I am sure there will be many more to come, but now that you know what was stopping this from happening perhaps we can start taking grown up steps to existing in each others lives again?
None of our mutual friends ever read my blog, and my friends that do read this blog probably won't know who I'm talking about because I try my hardest not to talk about people behind their backs anymore. So in a sense this blog post is somewhat of a personal letter from me to you. If you're reading this, and I hope you are, I just want you to know that I wish you and your family nothing but the best. I truly do hope that you are happy, and I will always be here for you if you need me. :)