Sunday, 7 February 2016

A Little Update.



It's been a while since I last sat down and gave a real time update on my blog. I abandoned my blog in early December when I started working extra retail shifts over the Christmas period and haven't quite found my way back yet, at least not fully. I busted out a few posts in the last week or two, and have been backdating them to look as though I've still been posting regularly, but in reality I've been finding blogging to be a bit of a struggle.

I'm not entirely sure what my problem is really. I have gone back to regular shifts at work again, so I don't exactly have the "no time" excuse anymore. Somehow it still feels like I have no free time at all though. It recently dawned on me that somewhere towards the middle of 2015 I started to become quite depressed. It may have even started earlier than that, but this is around the time that I think it became more noticeable. I started 2015 off with a lot of positivity. I needed to be positive. I had just moved to a new place far away from all of my family and friends, quit my job, etc. I was starting anew. Luckily I seemed to make a few new friends quite quickly and scored a decent enough job after just a couple of weeks. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Then somewhere towards the middle of the year I was diagnosed with PCOS and it was like everything I was yet to achieve in life in regards to marriage, children, travelling, etc. hit me like a tonne of bricks. These things were no longer just "wants" for me, they became "needs". I couldn't go on any longer with these things just being far off thoughts and "one day" discussions. Unfortunately, just because I felt this way all of sudden didn't mean that B did too. I started becoming more selfish in a way. I began sticking up for myself and the things I wanted in life. I started being forceful with B and demanding to know a specific timeline for when we could hope to achieve these things. Looking back, I was kind of psychotic at times, but fortunately B stuck with me and, with time, we worked out a timeline that would make us both happy.

With this new timeline came a whole new feeling of contentment in our relationship. At least for me, I can't speak on behalf of B. We decided it made the most sense for us financially and career wise (more so for B than for me) to wait until I was at least 29 and B was 30 before we started trying to have kids. As I will be turning 27 in May, this is currently only just over 2 years away, which isn't far away at all really when you consider how fast 2015 flew by. Even with this new contentment though I still had one burning question that I wanted to know the answer to: When would we be getting married? After what seemed like a bit of back and forth from B, he ultimately decided that he would rather us get married before we have kids than after. 'Perfect!' I thought, as this was what I ideally wanted as well. Given our new timeline though I began to panic about when B was going to propose. I've wanted to get married for as long as I can remember, and it wasn't like marriage was a new topic of discussion for us. As B and I were friends first for many years prior to him asking me to be his girlfriend in 2008, he was well aware of the fact that getting married and starting a family were my two biggest desires in life. I was also aware that B's biggest priorities were finishing Uni, getting into med school, and becoming a doctor and have been nothing but supportive in helping him to achieve those goals.

Anyway, back to the present.. I basically started becoming obsessed with when B would finally pop the question. It was a couple of months before our 7 year anniversary (which was on new years eve) when I said to B 'If I promise to stop asking when it will happen, will you at least promise that I won't be disappointed by the end of 2015'. B agreed. This was hugely exciting for me as it gave me a set timeline and yet still allowed there to be an element of surprise. I spent every day of those next two months hoping that that day would be the day. Sadly not one of those days, not even the final day on our seven year anniversary, was the day that B would propose to me. When the clock struck twelve at midnight and everyone else was cheering with fireworks exploding overhead, I felt the hugest pang of disappointment that I have ever felt in my life. Although B and I were still together, I truly felt in that moment as though my heart had actually been broken. I felt numb, but I also felt angry. I felt that I had been lied to by the one person in the world that I could trust with anything. Needless to say, B and I didn't have the best start to 2016. In the heat of an argument I found out that B had forgotten he had even made me that promise, and that the promise meant nothing to him anyway as he was just saying it to get me to shut up. I think this hurt me more than anything. His ambivalent attitude towards our future.

My depression which started with my PCOS diagnosis had already officially set in around the time of my 26th birthday, seemed to get worse (though in some ways better) as I transitioned into a Vegan lifestyle in September/October, got even worse again in November when a few of those new friends I had made at the beginning of the year made it very obvious that they had stopped inviting me to social events because of my depression (I know, true friends would never do this, but it still hurt), but then these events surrounding New Years really threw me through a loop. My depression had kicked into overdrive to a point where I did nothing but work, eat, stuff around on social media and sleep. And boy did I sleep! It wasn't even the good kind of sleep either. It was the kind of overwhelming exhaustion one feels when they are just too depressed to function. I was too depressed to clean the house, take the dogs for walks (though I still forced myself to a couple of times a week).. I was even too depressed to take the Christmas decorations down.. that was until today!

I spent all of this morning doing this biggest clean up around the house. I took down all the decorations and starting knocking a few things off my to-do list. Man did it feel good! I know that if I visit my doctor about this depression I'm experiencing that she would only offer me anti depressants or a few free counselling sessions, and I'd much rather stay off side effect causing medications if I can help it. So instead my plan is to get back to being me again. The positive, happy version of me that any guy would be an idiot not to want to marry. I don't want marriage to be something that I have to worry about anymore. I want it to be a surprise, romantic, thoughtful.. not something that B feels like he needs to do to make me happy. He has already given me a timeline for when he wishes for us to start having kids (don't worry, I made flipping sure that the kids timeline wasn't just something he said to shut me up!) and it was HE who said he would like to get married before having them, so really, I should be able to trust that he is smart enough to propose to me whilst still leaving enough time for us to plan the wedding before the kids start popping out. Right?


I still don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to take charge of your life. If you have invested a good portion of your life into a relationship, it is important to make sure that you are on the same page in terms of marriage, kids, where you are going to live, etc. You can't always just trust that everything will work out as it is supposed to. To be honest though, I think that if B and I had had this discussion properly before we started dating that we would still be exactly where we are today. We still would have wanted to be together. I have no doubt in my mind that things will work out as they are supposed to. Did I ever think I'd be seven years into a relationship without a ring on the finger yet? Not in a million years. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I still see us having a future together despite my recent disappointment and current depression? Absolutely. Sometimes relationships just take a bit of work, and I guess this is where B and I are at right now.

Sorry if the above is a total nonsense ramble, but I just had to get my feelings out. I started this blog as something my children could look back one day and although it would be great for them to read nothing but happy posts, I feel that it is important for them to know the real me, low times and all.


So here's to 2016 and all that is has to offer! :)

 
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4 comments:

  1. I remember before I got engaged, wanting it so much and also wanting kids ASAP. I also went through a stage where I was constantly down, that it wasn't happening when I wanted it to. I had to let it go and be ok with S's timing and on our 7th anniversary he proposed. I thought we'd have kids soon after but life has a way of changing the plans you set for yourself. We got married in a surprise wedding three months later because what was important to us was the marriage. I wasn't interested in planning a big huge wedding so ours was a surprise at the engagement party. We celebrate 2 years married this year and 9 years together and kids will be on the horizon soon enough. Once it happens for you, everything will fall in to place and you will wonder why you worried so much. If it gets to a point where you are close to 29 and desperate for children, you might change your mind about being married first, or even consider a much smaller wedding so it still fits your timeline. There are always different options on how you do things.

    I had to let go and go with the flow to be happy and when it finally happened, I was super surprised and happy. Happier than if I knew it was going to happen if that makes sense.

    I think it is great that you are trying to reclaim your happiness. No one else can make you truly happy, if you can't do it for yourself first, as cliche as that sounds. It will all happen, it's unfortunate that you can't control the timeline, but I am sure B has a plan that he doesn't want to share so you are still surprised.

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    1. Hey Rhiannon, Thanks so much for leaving a comment. :) It's very reassuring to hear that someone else was once in the same boat as me and is now very happy. It's funny, but it is actually me who wants a really small wedding. I'd also like to get married in July this year for both sentimental and convenience reasons. B is the opposite though, he wants to get married practically interstate so that all of his friends, acquaintances or not, can be invited. What he envisions will require a lot of planning and it freaks me out as we don't have the time to save for something like that given the timeline. Hopefully he will see that soon enough, or like you mentioned, we will have to put the wedding off until after kids.

      I do have one question though.. how did you fully let go to allow things to happen as they happen? It's one thing for me to say I've let go, but old habits are hard to break and I'm afraid I'll slip up and start pestering him again. I desperately want to be surprised and for B to do it on his own terms. I'm sure he has a plan in mind, he's just very good at keeping things to himself. :P

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    2. I had to make a conscious effort to not think about it and if I did, keep the thoughts to myself. It was gradual, but eventually I was ok with going with the flow. It also coincided with the end of my uni degree too, so I had other things occupying my mind and I threw myself in to exercise etc. I think having other things to think of or 'obsess about' really helps. I do remember having a frank discussion with Steve and telling him that I had been really supportive of him and what he was doing with work/study etc. and that I thought it was time for him to consider my point of view. It's all well and good to follow their timeline, but at some stage they need to realise that there are two people in the relationship and your wants/desires/feelings matter too. It definitely wasn't an ultimatum or anything, as I would never have left him, it was more of a 'ok, I've been supportive, I'm leaving it in your hands and taking the pressure off'.

      Honestly, I am much like you. I always wanted to get married and have kids. Kids is the next step for me and I talk about it all the time, but I know we are not quite there yet. Poor Steve has to listen to me all the time though, ha!

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    3. That's pretty much what I ended up doing. Made it very clear that the ball was in his court and that I was trusting he would make the right decision for both of us. I did try to give him an ultimatum a couple of weeks ago but I caved the next day and said I would obviously never leave him, but that that was how serious I felt about the matter. :P

      It means the world to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way before. I honestly feel like a crazy person. At the same time though, if one of my friends was in my position I wouldn't think they were being crazy at all. 7+ years is a long time to invest in a relationship and I do believe it is important to know that it is going somewhere. Most people that I have had made me feel like I am crazy are couples who got engaged in the first 3 years of dating and are now happily married, having children, etc. I'm sure if they were in the same position as me they'd be feeling exactly the same.

      Thanks again for commenting! xx

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Thanks for taking the time to stop by and comment! I really appreciate it. :)