It's been a while since I last sat down and gave a real time update on my blog. I abandoned my blog in early December when I started working extra retail shifts over the Christmas period and haven't quite found my way back yet, at least not fully. I busted out a few posts in the last week or two, and have been backdating them to look as though I've still been posting regularly, but in reality I've been finding blogging to be a bit of a struggle.
I'm not entirely sure what my problem is really. I have gone back to regular shifts at work again, so I don't exactly have the "no time" excuse anymore. Somehow it still feels like I have no free time at all though. It recently dawned on me that somewhere towards the middle of 2015 I started to become quite depressed. It may have even started earlier than that, but this is around the time that I think it became more noticeable. I started 2015 off with a lot of positivity. I needed to be positive. I had just moved to a new place far away from all of my family and friends, quit my job, etc. I was starting anew. Luckily I seemed to make a few new friends quite quickly and scored a decent enough job after just a couple of weeks. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Then somewhere towards the middle of the year I was diagnosed with PCOS and it was like everything I was yet to achieve in life in regards to marriage, children, travelling, etc. hit me like a tonne of bricks. These things were no longer just "wants" for me, they became "needs". I couldn't go on any longer with these things just being far off thoughts and "one day" discussions. Unfortunately, just because I felt this way all of sudden didn't mean that B did too. I started becoming more selfish in a way. I began sticking up for myself and the things I wanted in life. I started being forceful with B and demanding to know a specific timeline for when we could hope to achieve these things. Looking back, I was kind of psychotic at times, but fortunately B stuck with me and, with time, we worked out a timeline that would make us both happy.
With this new timeline came a whole new feeling of contentment in our relationship. At least for me, I can't speak on behalf of B. We decided it made the most sense for us financially and career wise (more so for B than for me) to wait until I was at least 29 and B was 30 before we started trying to have kids. As I will be turning 27 in May, this is currently only just over 2 years away, which isn't far away at all really when you consider how fast 2015 flew by. Even with this new contentment though I still had one burning question that I wanted to know the answer to: When would we be getting married? After what seemed like a bit of back and forth from B, he ultimately decided that he would rather us get married before we have kids than after. 'Perfect!' I thought, as this was what I ideally wanted as well. Given our new timeline though I began to panic about when B was going to propose. I've wanted to get married for as long as I can remember, and it wasn't like marriage was a new topic of discussion for us. As B and I were friends first for many years prior to him asking me to be his girlfriend in 2008, he was well aware of the fact that getting married and starting a family were my two biggest desires in life. I was also aware that B's biggest priorities were finishing Uni, getting into med school, and becoming a doctor and have been nothing but supportive in helping him to achieve those goals.
Anyway, back to the present.. I basically started becoming obsessed with when B would finally pop the question. It was a couple of months before our 7 year anniversary (which was on new years eve) when I said to B 'If I promise to stop asking when it will happen, will you at least promise that I won't be disappointed by the end of 2015'. B agreed. This was hugely exciting for me as it gave me a set timeline and yet still allowed there to be an element of surprise. I spent every day of those next two months hoping that that day would be the day. Sadly not one of those days, not even the final day on our seven year anniversary, was the day that B would propose to me. When the clock struck twelve at midnight and everyone else was cheering with fireworks exploding overhead, I felt the hugest pang of disappointment that I have ever felt in my life. Although B and I were still together, I truly felt in that moment as though my heart had actually been broken. I felt numb, but I also felt angry. I felt that I had been lied to by the one person in the world that I could trust with anything. Needless to say, B and I didn't have the best start to 2016. In the heat of an argument I found out that B had forgotten he had even made me that promise, and that the promise meant nothing to him anyway as he was just saying it to get me to shut up. I think this hurt me more than anything. His ambivalent attitude towards our future.
My depression which started with my PCOS diagnosis had already officially set in around the time of my 26th birthday, seemed to get worse (though in some ways better) as I transitioned into a Vegan lifestyle in September/October, got even worse again in November when a few of those new friends I had made at the beginning of the year made it very obvious that they had stopped inviting me to social events because of my depression (I know, true friends would never do this, but it still hurt), but then these events surrounding New Years really threw me through a loop. My depression had kicked into overdrive to a point where I did nothing but work, eat, stuff around on social media and sleep. And boy did I sleep! It wasn't even the good kind of sleep either. It was the kind of overwhelming exhaustion one feels when they are just too depressed to function. I was too depressed to clean the house, take the dogs for walks (though I still forced myself to a couple of times a week).. I was even too depressed to take the Christmas decorations down.. that was until today!
I spent all of this morning doing this biggest clean up around the house. I took down all the decorations and starting knocking a few things off my to-do list. Man did it feel good! I know that if I visit my doctor about this depression I'm experiencing that she would only offer me anti depressants or a few free counselling sessions, and I'd much rather stay off side effect causing medications if I can help it. So instead my plan is to get back to being me again. The positive, happy version of me that any guy would be an idiot not to want to marry. I don't want marriage to be something that I have to worry about anymore. I want it to be a surprise, romantic, thoughtful.. not something that B feels like he needs to do to make me happy. He has already given me a timeline for when he wishes for us to start having kids (don't worry, I made flipping sure that the kids timeline wasn't just something he said to shut me up!) and it was HE who said he would like to get married before having them, so really, I should be able to trust that he is smart enough to propose to me whilst still leaving enough time for us to plan the wedding before the kids start popping out. Right?
I still don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to take charge of your life. If you have invested a good portion of your life into a relationship, it is important to make sure that you are on the same page in terms of marriage, kids, where you are going to live, etc. You can't always just trust that everything will work out as it is supposed to. To be honest though, I think that if B and I had had this discussion properly before we started dating that we would still be exactly where we are today. We still would have wanted to be together. I have no doubt in my mind that things will work out as they are supposed to. Did I ever think I'd be seven years into a relationship without a ring on the finger yet? Not in a million years. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I still see us having a future together despite my recent disappointment and current depression? Absolutely. Sometimes relationships just take a bit of work, and I guess this is where B and I are at right now.
So here's to 2016 and all that is has to offer! :)