Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Seven Years, Five Months + Four Days.



Well, it's official. Earlier this month, on Saturday the 4th of June to be precise, I ended my seven and a half year relationship with 'B'. It was a long time coming, and when I say that "I" ended it, it was definitely more of mutual agreement, but it was still the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I won't go into too much detail in this blog post as the whole situation is still very raw for me, but I will definitely do more posts on the subject once I've had time to reflect and learn from the whole experience.

Presently I am going through the five stages of grief, in no particular order. Most of the time the stages seem to overlap. Currently I am feeling a little bit of anger but not too much. I feel like I could get quite angry in the upcoming months though. I was going through a stage of denial, and still am a little bit, but at the same time I feel like I accepted the situation from the moment the relationship ended.

Basically I just feel like I need to find myself again. I'm going to be honest though, don't be surprised if I'm in a new relationship by the end of the year. There are definitely things about myself that I need to work on, but being a romantic soul isn't one of them. I feel like I was put on this earth to love, be loved, and to spread positivity. I haven't felt truly "loved" in a really long time. I deserve to experience love again.

At the moment I am still living in Townsville in the same house as B. I have been trying to apply for a transfer through work but it is proving a little difficult at the moment. As soon as the transfer goes through however I will be moving back home to Brisbane to live with my family until I can get back on my feet. Fortunately B and I have been very civil with each other and he will be helping me out with the cost of moving and giving me my fair share in terms of furniture, etc. I am very grateful for this as I have heard some shocking stories from others about their less than civil breakups. As for the dogs, they will be coming with me. It breaks my heart to take them both away from their "daddy" but I couldn't bare to separate them from one another, so it only makes sense that they would both come with me. Hopefully he can come to visit them ocassionally when he's down in Brisbane to visit friends and family.

Hmmm.. what else?

Aside from the obvious emotional turmoil we've both been going through, it has been really difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I have to leave this home and "family" that we have made for ourselves. Security is a really big deal to me and now I feel like everything is up in the air. Sure, I get to go and live with my family for a while, but given that my family already has two dogs, that isn't going to last forever with four crazy mutts in the house. So unless I can finally find full time work, I'll most likely need to move in with a housemate. The thought of doing this, especially with two dogs in toe, is incredibly daunting to me and gives me a huge amount of anxiety. I've been trying not to think too far ahead for this reason. So my plan is to wait until I hear about a transfer, then pack everything up and arrange to move as soon as possible. I don't see the point of packing anything until I know when I'm moving as seeing clutter and boxes around me only makes me feel more anxious. I'm hoping that if the universe can time things for me perfectly I'll be moving back to Brisbane in the last week of July. Two of my besties have offered to fly up and make the 18 hour drive back down with me and the dogs, which would be absolutely perfect!

I guess I will leave things there for now. If you have any questions feel free to leave them in the comments, or send me an email to felicity@pursuitoffelicity.com and I will get back to you as soon as I can. If any of you have been through a breakup in recent years and have a positive story to tell about what happened afterwards I would LOVE to hear from you. I really need to hear stories like those right now. :)

P.s. If you could keep breakup related comments off my social media for the time being that would be wonderful. I haven't shared the news with everyone yet and would rather they hear it from me personally. x

 
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Sunday, 12 June 2016

Snap Happy Sunday // My "Earthlings Experience".



About a month ago now I was given the opportunity through the Townsville Vegans group to put aside my ego for the day and do something selfless and beneficial for the animals, humans and our planet. Standing united, but anonymous, at the local university with such a beautiful group of people and a powerful message was an absolute honour and pleasure. Our message was brutally honest and wasn't sugarcoated in the slightest, so I am so glad that the University was respectful enough to let us deliver this message despite the graphic nature. :)









The next time you come across a group of activists "protesting" in public, please don't be afraid to stop and listen to their message. I promise you they are not there to scare or intimidate you. They do not think that they are better than you. They simply wish to educate, raise awareness and ultimately create a better life for you. :)

Thank you to Samara for organising this great event, and to Dela for the awesome photos! x

 
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Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Post birthday thoughts, goals, etc.

Me on my 2nd birthday.


As promised, today I am writing up a more emotional post in regards to having recently turned another year older. There's just something about birthdays that always makes me want to stop and evaluate my life and where it is going.

Like last year, I woke up on my 27th birthday with hope that my day would be this super exciting, extra special day. I'm always like this on my birthday. I guess it's because in movies you see people getting out of bed and going out into the living room to a huge "Surprise!", a big cook up breakfast, presents galore, etc. Not that I expected or even wanted any of that (in fact, I made it a point to ask that people not buy me a present this year), but I definitely feel like these movies set us up with false expectations. Anybody else?

Instead I woke up around 7am, mopped the floor, cleaned my office, cleaned the kitchen, and deep cleaned the microwave all before B was awake. At this point B asked if I wanted any breakfast, but I was too engrossed in cleaning to even think about breakfast, so he went out to McDonalds while I stayed at home and continued cleaning. Before he went out though he handed me a birthday card and a new vegan cookbook. Considering I didn't want any gifts this year, he couldn't have picked a better gift to give me. My spirits were lifted temporarily. :)

As the day grew on I continued cleaning like a mad woman. Eventually I had to stop and take a nap as I was beginning to feel light headed. Once I woke up I finished cleaning and started baking for my party that evening. Somewhere in the middle of cooking I managed to get myself into an argument with B. I've been doing that a lot lately. It wasn't even an argument really, more like me banging my head against a brick wall and getting absolutely nowhere. Without going into any details, things between B and I have been on the rocks for almost a year now. Maybe even longer. I am honestly at a loss as to what we should be doing. Neither of us wants to break up, and we both still love and care about each other deeply, but neither of us is truly happy at this point in time. Even though I have supportive friends all around me, and friends and family back home who would come up here to help me out in a heartbeat, I just feel so alone and lost in the situation. All I know is that I don't want to spend my next birthday not knowing where I stand in our relationship. I actually feel guilty writing about this here because really, anyone in the world could read this, but I also want to keep this space open and honest.

Anyway, after getting nowhere, I went back to baking and then started getting ready before my dinner guests arrived. I also indulged in a few glasses of wine which I hardly ever do to lift my spirits a bit more. It worked. :) I ended up having the best time. I am so grateful for all the new friends I have made since going vegan last year. They are all such beautiful, caring people, inside and out. I couldn't have asked for a better bunch of humans to spend the evening with. They all made me feel really special at a time when I needed it the most.

The main stand out moment of the evening for me though was when it was time for me to blow out my candles. I don't normally make wishes on my birthday as I don't believe they'll come true, but this time I made to sure wish that everything will work out as it should for me and B. Hopefully I never need to make a wish like that again. It is my hope that next year I will be able to go back to the happy, care-free thoughts of my 2 year old self (pictured above), where the only thing I'm wishing for is to stay as happy as I am in that moment. Even if things don't work out for us the way that I am hoping, I hope that I will at least find happiness and peace with the situation at hand.

Moving on.. this wouldn't be a birthday blog post if I didn't include my 26 while 26 list that I wrote up last year so that we can see all the goals I managed to achieve (or not achieve). I have decided that I won't be writing one of these lists this year, and will instead focus on finding happiness one day at a time.


26 while 26

1. Continue to grow my hair out. I still want long hippy hair by the time B and I get married. ✓
Aside from a couple of trims, I have continued to grow my hair out. It has been very tempting to go back to a long bob though.

2. Learn how to french braid. Could come in handy for my wedding hairstyle, ha!
Yeah right. Me take the time to learn how to french braid? As if! :P

3. Whilst we're on the topic of hair, please don't dye your hair back dark again. It looks really good natural with the random blonde highlights. ✓
It's funny, because I was thinking about dying my hair back dark just a couple of days ago. I won't though. At least not in the immediate future. It's just too darn expensive for me to maintain at the moment.

4. Get a few extra hours at work, or find some other way to make some regular "pocket" money. You're going to have a wedding to save for soon I hope. ;)
Sadly, despite my being a great employee and practically begging for more hours each week, I am still on the same contract that I was this time last year. I'm actually quite tired of feeling undervalued but what can you do? A girl's got to eat. As for a wedding, I've moved on from wanting to save for this. Instead I simply want to be financially independent on my own two feet.

5. Keep going to the gym at least 3 times a week. It doesn't matter if you don't reach your goal weight, you just need to stay active and healthy and get your PCOS under control.
Yeah, no. I actually quite the gym back in April after not going in over 6 months. I just wasn't feeling the gym at all. :(

6. Find your clean eating niche and learn to embrace it. Whether that be a paleo diet, vegetarian diet, vegan lifestyle, or just eating relatively healthy in general. Find out what works for you and makes you feel the happiest. ✓
How funny is it that this was one of my to-do list items? Even funnier is that I made the distinction between Veganism being a lifestyle and not just a diet, even before I became vegan haha! Being Vegan definitely makes me the happiest. :)

7. Make sure you still treat yourself on occasion, even if it's more than once a week. You don't need to be super strict with yourself if you are active and healthy most of the time. ✓
Don't worry 26 year old me, I don't think there was a single week this past year where I didn't treat myself more than once. ;)

8. Take your blog to the next level, as well as your instagram account. Whatever that new level is will be entirely up to you.
It's pretty safe to say my blog and instagram have gone nowhere, lol. I did start a PLL instagram account that has been going really well though. My YouTube account has also taken off, even though I've only been posting PLL reactions and theories so far!

9. Become more active in the ASMR community, and work towards giving something back.
Sadly this hasn't happened.. yet!

10. Finish furnishing/decorating the house. Try to sneak in some pops of colour even if B says no. ;) ✓
The house is as furnished as it needs to be at this point in time. And I did manage to sneak in a few pops of colour. :)

11. Either get into a habit of spring cleaning once a week, or hire a cleaner.
I wish. Although I have been making more of an effort to keep the place clean of late.

12. Make sure that Nala is fully toilet trained, and teach her how to sit/stay.
I don't know if Nala was dropped on the head as a puppy or what, but my goodness is she a slow learner! She doesn't pee in the house at all anymore (thank god!) but we can't for the life of us get her to do her poos outside. It's like she saves them all up until she is inside the house to do them, and she always does them in the same few spots. Even when the doors are open and she has complete access to outside, she will come inside just to do a poo. I think we need a hardcore trainer for her. She also didn't learn to sit or stay. Like I said.. very slow!

13. Get Nala desexed. ✓
This was a no-brainer.

14. When Christmas time rolls around, make sure to really get into the Christmas spirit and decorate the house like a crazy person. ✓
Done!

15. Host some sort of gathering at our house once we get the new couch. ✓
Last year I hosted a 'Friends' themed party, and on Sunday I hosted a Vegan potluck for my birthday. :)

16. Walk the dogs at least every 2nd day.
I am ashamed to admit that I wasn't able to maintain this. They do get walked though, so don't worry!

17. Start wearing make up regularly again.
What a stupid to-do list item. I've definitely changed a lot in the last 12 months, and one of the things that has changed about me the most is how comfortable I now feel within my own skin. It's truly liberating.

18. Curl your hair more often. It suits you.
Yes, it does suit me. Sadly I think I've only curled my hair once since writing this to-do list item last year. I guess I'm just lazy.

19. Burn candles more often. Why bother having them if you're not going to use them?
Good question. I definitely haven't been burning my candles much at all. I guess I won't be buying them or requesting them in future.

20. Don't neglect your friends back home. ✓
I try my best to keep in touch with friends back home quite regularly. :)

21. Go to Magnetic Island. ✓
Done! I've been over 4 times in fact. I absolutely love it over there!

22. Visit Cairns.
This is still on my wishlist, but hopefully I'll be going with Anita and Jaana later in the year. :D

23. Go to Airlie Beach/The Whitsundays. ✓
Although we didn't make it to the Whitsunday Islands, we did stay in Airlie Beach for a weekend so I'm going to mark this one off. :)

24. Spend a proper weekend with Anita and Jaana in Mackay. ✓
Done, a couple of times actually. I'm so glad I did because they ended up moving back to the Gold Coast at Christmas.

25. Go back home to visit family and friends in Brisbane, even if B hasn't been given his annual leave yet. ✓
Done. Three times!

26. Write a '27 while 27' list.
As I said earlier, I've decided not to do this anymore. It's just too unrealistic to think that I'll achieve all these goals.

Oh well, at least I managed to cross off half of my to-do list items. That's more than last time at least! Thanks so much for all of your birthday wishes as well. Hopefully next year I will be in a much better place emotionally. :)

 
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